Thursday, May 19, 2011

short attention span romance

My Freshman year of college is mostly a blur. However, I do remember sneaking a duffel bag of liquor up to my room, trying to communicate with a very dead Jim Morrison, playing spades hours at a time, and of course going to class!
During the winter quarter, I was trying to think of creative careers I could get into with an English degree. I thought the romance novel business might be worth looking into. To practice my "craft", I would take requests from the girls on my floor. They'd give me the name and description of their perfect man, celebrity, or college beau, and I'd create a steamy love story just for them. Nothing fancy. I usually got down to the nuts and bolts of the story (pun intended) within 2 lines. I quickly became the most appreciated person in my dorm.

So, if you've got a request, I'll dust off my smut reference materials just for you.

~Amanda

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

You can't make this up!

I was at World Market on Saturday looking for a birthday gift for my daughter (which means looking for stuff I want). I found myself in the spice isle and there was an old guy with his 10 year old-ish daughter. The daughter was kneeling in the isle pawing among the spice options, and the old guy was doing a monologue in the style of Tom Waites. He was a scruffy little 50 something year old guy - I can say that because I could be described the same way - and he was riffing on nutmeg and sugar. In a monotone he says,"Don't pick up that colored sugar. Your mom doesn't need any more sugar of any color, or any encouragement. And she don't eat colored sugar, or raw sugar, or honey, or any of that kind of stuff. And don't look at the nutmeg! God, you start by smelling nutmeg, and then the next thing you know you've bitten in to it and your hallucinating and running around spitting on the walls and taking your clothes off in the kitchen. God, no. We don't want that on Mothers Day". Remember, this was to the 10 year old girl. And possibly for my benefit? I like to think so, anyway. Best show I've seen this week. I saw them later and he was still talking...

the house of wax


Every experience I have in a spa or nail/waxing establishment is odd. There was the time about 4 years ago when I went in for an eyebrow wax and came out crying. My skin was too dry. I didn't use the right moisturizer for day AND night. I didn't drink enough water... You get the idea. I tend to get aestheticians who are really passionate about skin. Last year, I went in for a quick lunchtime wax and my Vietnamese waxer looked at me and said "You need it!" Thanks. I know. That's why I'm here.

I guess I felt up to a little punishment today when I went on another lunchtime run. I said I just needed and eyebrow wax. She looked me over and responded, "Hmmm. Are you sure you don't want lip too?" I said, "ok that's fine do the lip too." After she did my brows and lip she said, Um, you sure you no want cheeks?"

Good grief.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Polishing a Turd

I like to ride my bike and recently bought a mid-life-crisis present for myself. This bike is more expensive than my daughters semi-beater car. The local dealer is a guy who is a great mechanic and a challenging person. He's normal one day and rude and curt for the next four days. I bravely (bravely=stupidly) disregarded that and went forward, only to be in the same spot I find myself in A LOT. Trying to polish a turd. In this case a turdcoated situation.

They didn't measure me, didn't answer my question about stand over, have had the frame for 3 weeks, and don't return my calls. I feel like I'm in limbo, but I'm not! I can walk away. Walking away would make him mad at me, which has seemed unacceptable. But it's my money, right?

If this were an improv scene, I'd tell him to f*off and shove the frame up his a$$.

Since this is real life, I guess I'll be more polite but I can still say it. Oh Yeah! Because you can't polish a turd. Well you can, but it makes a mess messier.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

We're Tweeting!

You can now follow The Cups on Twitter!

@dixiecupsimprov